


Amor Fati

by pawsitivelytao



Category: EXO, EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-04 22:05:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3092507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pawsitivelytao/pseuds/pawsitivelytao
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Oh, these times are hard. End up making us crazy, don't give up on me baby"</p>
<p>They were young, they were foolish. They thought they can handle it all when it is them against the world. They thought it is okay to be playing with the rules once in a while. They thought nobody can find them in between stolen kisses shared between the dark alleys on the wee hours of the night, hiding under the shadows to end up at their apartment and doing nothing but laying down on the floor and talking about their future, they thought there was no holes for another viewer to watch them helplessly in love other than themselves. </p>
<p>They were wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Amor Fati

**Author's Note:**

> Hi hi! Happy new year! May all of us have a good year ahead!! 
> 
> The first line from the summary is yes, The Script's infamous song, For The First Time. Actually there were a few songs that accompany me throughout writing this story. You can use it at somekind of playlist; Epik High - Shoebox, The Script - For The First Time and Ed Sheeran's Photograph.
> 
> Word vomiting this because suddenly missing Jongdae. I don't even know why I have the sudden thirst for Jongdae hahahay. But there is something that's making me a little bit sad tho.... but it's kinda personal and.... OKAY ENOUGH FOR THE MELLOW TALKS.
> 
> About the title : "Amor fati is a Latin phrase loosely translating to "love of fate" or "love of one's fate". It is used to describe an attitude in which one sees everything that happens in one's life, including suffering and loss, as good or at the very least, necessary—in that they are a part of the facts of one's life and existence, so they are always 'necessarily there' whether one likes it or not. Moreover, it is characterized by an acceptance of the events or situations that occur in one's life. This acceptance doesn't necessarily preclude an attempt at change or improvement, but rather, this acceptance can be seen to be along the lines of what Nietzsche means by the concept of "eternal recurence"—a sense of contentment with one's life and an acceptance of it, such that one could live exactly the same life, in all its minute details, over and over for all eternity." (Source : Wikipedia)
> 
> As usual, comment comment comment! I want to know what do you think, It's the first fic that I made with word count more than 5000. WOW I can't even believe I made a long fic. (But it's not even long compared to curledupkitten's usual work tho.....) SO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME EVALUATE?
> 
> With lots of love, please take care of me well!
> 
> Pawsitivelytao!<3
> 
> NB : I can't still get over Yifan's white hair (AND EYEBROW) (And his fashion sense overall) (He and his expensive things). LIKE IT'S THE WALLPAPER OF MY PHONE, IPAD, NOTEBOOK AND I JUST CAN'T GET TIRED WITH IT. WHO'S WITH ME?????!

She wakes up in the middle of the night and finds the space beside her still empty. Cold because there is no body heat transferred by the person who usually sleeps in that side of the bed. There are no light from behind the door that will seep through the space below the door and that's the only sign that he's not home yet. 

 

She checks her phone but there is no new notifications. 

 

Th clock on the bed side table shows that it's two in the morning, and she counts the lines on the ceiling. On the first try, she finds 32. On the second try, she finds 40. On the third try, she finds 54. On the fourth try, she loses count because the sleep gets the better of her before she finishes counting. 

 

There is sound of the door being opened, but the following bang indicates that the door is being closed harshly. It is jolting her awake, eyes wide and harsh breathing from adrenaline that suddenly rushes in. Negative thoughts start forming inside her mind. 

 

She hears groan from outside the bedroom and her body responding by relaxing to the bed headboard, the familiarities slows her heartbeat, tossing away the negative thoughts from her mind. She sits still when she hears a loud bang of leg meeting the table, followed by the clinking of the glass being pulled out from the rack carelessly it bumps to each other, and the sound of water running. 

 

She waits for a few minutes. 

 

The door opens and he comes walking in, head down, arms hanging on the either side of his body. There is no careful steps, because he bumps into almost everything on his way to bed. He raises his head when he is on the edge of the bed, his eyes meeting hers and he smiles before throwing himself on the bed.

 

He shifts for a while, turning his body around so now he is facing the ceiling. His breathing evens out and the steady rise and fall of his chest shows her that he's already in the dream land. 

 

She cards her fingers through his hair, pushing back his hair so it doesn't poke his eyes anymore. She half regretting the action, now that she's seeing the lines on his forehead previously hidden by his bangs. There are lines starting to form surrounding his eyes, even when he's not smiling. Tiredness clear in his face. 

 

"I'm tired......" he mumbles in his sleep. 

 

Flashback starts.

 

They were into their sixth month of marriage when Jongdae came home with bad news. He was fired by the company where he worked at that time, the economy wasn't really good and eventhough Jongdae was a graduate from a top university, the senior-junior system still common, and Jongdae had had worked there for nearly just a year. 

 

Jongdae tried to find any job he could land to keep their household running, but he kept being rejected, because of the same reason, the economy wasn't good and companies tried to cut the number of workers instead of adding another one. 

 

After weeks and weeks of searching, finally Jongdae landed a job on a small company. It wasn't big position, but the money was decent to keep the household running. 

 

One year later and he was out with his friends, fellow friends who were also in that company. They hung out together to share stories with each other over and then decided to sing their heart out at the nearest noraebang. They sang for the whole night with Jongdae sang most of it. 

 

They were saying goodbye with each other after the noraebang session ended when someone patted Jongdae from the back. 

 

"Yes? May I help you?" Jongdae asked awkwadly, noticing the formal suit the latter wore on a dingy cheap karaoke place like this. 

 

The man just smiled, and then fished out something that turned out to be namecard and gave it to Jongdae. Mr. Lee Dong Wook. SM Representative.

 

"You were the one who sang the last song right? I was impressed. We will have an audition on 2 weeks. Maybe you can be there and give your voice a chance" the man said with a practiced smile, like he already used to say it to other people before. The other man then gave Jongdae's shoulder a tap again before Jongdae could even answer. 

 

She was nothing but estatic when Jongdae brought home the news, eyes bright when she launched into Jongdae to pull him into a bone crushing hug. She kept saying, "I knew it. I knew it. I knew it" to his neck. 

 

"Are you sure?" he asked her once again before he left for the audition two weeks later. 

 

"Go out there, and make me proud" was all that she said.

 

\---

 

The audition went smoothly, and out of his expectation, he was accepted to be a trainee. 

 

"Is it really okay?" 

 

She nodded. 

 

"I probably will be at home early in the morning, and I will maybe go before you wake up. Practicing will take much of my time, and not to mentio-" she cutted him off with a kiss. He could feel her smile forming. 

 

"It's not about me, it is about you. If you want it, sign it. If you don't, then leave it. Singing is always your passion, and now the opportunity comes, it's up to you. I'm backing you all the way" she answers, smiling at him. 

 

He took the pen and signed the paper. 

 

\---  
 

Months passed in a blur of singing practices, dance practices, language courses and all other practices and courses that he should attend. He made friends with some of the guys there, Jongdae was a chatty person, easy to talk, easy to befriend too. So Jongdae found no difficulty of searching for a friend. 

 

One day, Jongdae was practicing his singing when someone knocked on his door and then told him that the CEO wanted to meet him upstairs. When he reached his room, there were another 11 boys standing in the room. Most of them Jongdae talked a lot to, and some of them are just on the 'saying hi' terms. Jongdae walked around and stood beside Baekhyun. 

 

"What happened?" he whispers to Baekhyun, replied by Baekhyun's scared expression. "I don't know, I'm afraid. I messed up a little at the practice yesterday, I am afraid they will tell me to go home and--" Baekhyun started to chatter because of panic. 

 

"Baekhyun, Baekhyun calm down. We haven't even heard. Look at their faces, all smiles and happy I don't think they will deliver bad news" Jongdae said, holding Baekhyun's cold hand to calm him down but he himself didn't lie that he was also afraid. 

 

The CEO coughed, and the room fell silent. 

 

"Congratulations, you guys will debut soon"

 

\---

 

The world seemed to move faster throughout the debut preparation. Debut preparation means more hours spent on practice rooms, more hours spent on recording room, more hours to everything the company told them to learn. Jongdae tried to enjoy every bit of it, it was his passion afterall to stand on the stage and sing. And that time he was just one step away from his dream. 

 

But debut preparation also means it's getting rarer for him to go home to her. Sometimes he wasn't even go home and slept at the practice room, and when he even managed to go home, he was too tired to do anything. When he managed to make a time to call her, their call always cut short. Just like this time. 

 

She was just about to begin to tell him how her days went when one of the SM representatives came to meet him. He said sorry immediately to her because for the hundred times that month, he had to cut their phone call short first. She always replied that it's okay, and she understood. But the guilty never really stopped bugging Jongdae. 

 

"Calling families? Sorry if I'm disturbing you" the representatives said as he took a seat on the chair in front of him. 

 

"Ah, no, it's okay. My wife understands...." Jongdae answered, grinning sheepishly. 

 

The representatives stiffens in his seat, "Your wife? You're married?" 

 

\---

 

SM never really interferes with his private life, maybe that was because he was still a trainee and he didn't have a part in SM Rookies. They never asked, so Jongdae never told them. And so far it didn't disturb his schedule, they never really bothered with what happened outside the practice room. 

 

Jongdae found himself in the CEO office one hour later, with her by his side. The other representatives sitting in front of him, surrounding the CEO and they looked like they were in a serious argument. And looking at their face, they clearly not amused with the sudden news. 

 

She was nothing but surprised when Jongdae called and asked her to take the fastest way to SM building. She was fidgeting beside him, hands cold. "Hey hey don't be afraid. I am here" Jongdae said, but it didn't look like it calmed her down. So Jongdae couldn't do anything beside holding her hand. 

 

"Here, Mrs. Kim. We are all really not expecting that you and Mr. Kim are married" the SM representatives that met with Jongdae before said. "We wanted to cancel the contract..." 

 

"Can you... Not..." she unconsiously rambled.

 

"But..." he cut her. "The debut is already on it's way and the debut is getting closer and we don't think canceling it with him and searching for a new one and start the training all over again will be the best decision...." his words hung in the air.

 

"So we want to propose an agreement with you two" the other representatives cut in. 

 

Jongdae's ears perked up, "What kind of agreement?" 

 

"We will still going to debut you, Mr. Kim. But, you two should stay low, and stay hidden. Nobody can know that you two are married. To the world, Mr. Kim, you're Chen, and you're single" the CEO started to speak. 

 

"And when the public find out?" Jongdae heard her asking. Jongdae wasn't sure he is ready to hear the answer. 

 

"He will have to choose, staying but no more communications until allowed, which we will never know how long.." She couldn't bring herself to breath, "or leaving...." 

 

She turned her head to him, searching for his eyes and holding him there. Jongdae saw her eyes saying 'we can do this' but the feeling how her hands starting to shake on his hold, he knew it was hard for her too to decide. 

 

"Are you sure you can do this?" he asked her. Are you sure we can do this?

 

She nodded. And that was all they needed to see. 

 

"It's settled then" the CEO's voice broke the silence between them. 

 

"Are you really okay with this?" Jongdae whispered to her once again on their way out of the building. She answered nothing but kissed Jongdae instead, and for once, Jongdae tasted desperation in her kiss. 

 

\---

 

31th of March 2012 must be the date that they both should remember. EXO's first showcase. She wasn't at the stadium being with them, because the company didn't let her. It was their first showcase and she tried to understood that they didn't want any scandals to come out when that was still their first showcase. 

 

The reactions from the netizens are wide in variations. Some of them liked them, some of them lost their interest and just dubbed them as SM others boygroup. But she was more than grateful seeing their fast growing fanbase. 

 

She needed to hold herself from being jealous though, seeing all the posters and placards dedicated to EXO's Chen. Kim Jongdae is hers to be loved, but Chen, he was made for everyone to love. 

 

2013 and it was a big year for EXO. They came back with XOXO and Growl was a big success, it sent EXO to a whole new level. Fourteen thropies from the big three's music shows, more requests to be on a music festivals, more requests to be on variety. She could hear their song played downtown everytime she was there. 

 

She was more than happy seeing how Jongdae's group has grown and established. Seeing how happy Chen's face everytime they were performing, everytime they were in the fan signing, especially everytime it's Chen's turn to sing. She could feel happiness reverberating from every pores on Jongdae's body when he told her the vocal trio's project, Miracle of December. 

 

"More chance for me to sing!" he squaled as he enveloped her into his bear hug. 

 

Yet less chance for us to meet. Winter never felt so cold in her opinion. 

 

The more sucessful they were, it was getting more rare for her and Jongdae to meet. He would fly to China almost every month, sometimes I every week. And when he was in Korea, they barely met because of his schedule and the company rule to keep them living in a dorm.

 

It was February 2014 and she was sprawling on the sofa in front of the TV, eyes on the ceiling. She and Jongdae had a promise to spend the night together after God knows how long they had been apart. But Jongdae just called the last minute, after she was done cooking Jongdae's favorite food to celebrate the night together when Jongdae called. There was a sudden practice demanded by the company and they wanted to see Jongdae's preparation for S.M The Ballad newest album. His duet with Liyin. 

 

She never had any negative thoughts about Liyin, she met her when Jongdae brought her to one of his and Liyin practices. Jongdae introduced her as his sister, she just smiled throughout the introduction. She and Liyin talked, when it was Jongdae's turn to practice. Liyin was nice, graceful and lovely. Nothing about her can make her think bad about Liyin. And she hates how it made her self-concious. She hates how it made her doubting Jongdae's love.

 

She reached for her jeans pocket and pulled out something from it. A photo, polaroid photo taken on the day of their marriage approximately 3 years ago. They were trying to get cake creams on each other faces before one of her friend called her and take a sudden picture of them the moment they turned their head to her friend. 

 

She was laughing, he was smiling in the photo. She had her eyes closed, and he had his eyes wide in surprise, there were cake cream on their nose, their lips, and their hands but they looked like they didn't care, they were happy, they were in love. 

 

The reactions from the fangirl about Jongdae and Liyin were the ones she wasn't prepared to see. They ship them. They pointed out every little interactions Jongdae and Liyin made, trying to find evidence of love throughout their interactions, hoping them to have a real relationship and get married and have beautiful babies. 

 

She tried, tried, and tried to play the role of a good wife, kept telling herself that it was just a fanservice, nothing for her to worry about. She tried to understand, but sometimes it was too much for her to take. 

 

\---

 

She took it out on Jongdae on one spring night, their next schedule to supposedly a movie date. She already in front of the TV when Jongdae called, and before he could say anything, "You want to cancel it again? For once Jongdae, I am not okay with it" she said first. Jongdae didn't say anything for a while. 

 

"But they want us for this company party and--" 

 

"Can I be your priority once in a while Jongdae?" she faintly begged. 

 

"Baby what happened.. It's not unusual for you to be like this..." 

 

"What happened is I am tired Jongdae. Spending nights alone for...." She took a deep breath. "Do you even realize that we haven't meet each other for nearly three months? When you and  are always in the same country even!" 

 

"Not mentioning seeing you with Liyin--"

 

"I don't have anything going on with her! You know that! Are you doubting me right now?" Jongdae cut in, she could feel the raised tone in his voice. 

 

"I am or I am not, but I don't want to doubt you, Jongdae. I want to be sure you are all mine to have, But what do you expect me to feel Jongdae? How am I supposed to feel?" They both fell in silence after that, only listening to each other's breathing. 

 

She sighed, "It's not good to fight over the phone. I think I should clear my head, I'm tired. Have fun at the party. See you when I see you" she said finally before ending the call, not even waiting for Jongdae's reply. 

 

\---

 

She was sleeping when she heard someone knocked the door. She turned her gaze to the clock, it was 11 p.m. Who in this world knocking at someone's door this late? But the knocks were persistent, as if the person on the other side of the door knew that she was home, so she decided to open the door. 

 

She didn't manage to say anything because the moment the door opened, Jongdae came rushing in and then grabbed her arms inside. The door closed automatically behind them. 

 

"Jongdae?" She blinks sleepily, blur image of him became clearer after a few blinks. She even thought she was dreaming, "Why are you here? I thought you were in some kind of company party?" 

 

She didn't get an answer but instead what she got as a a reply was Jongdae suddenly kneeled down one one knees in front of her, and then opening a box that....

 

A ring. 

 

She reached for the box, "You got our wedding ring back?" she gasped, voice laced with disbelief. The ring that unites them, that they sold 2 years ago because they were running out of money, the ring that she missed, then the said thing was right in front of her again. Silver, the color glitters under the moonlight. 

 

"I told you I would do anything to get this back" he grinned. 

 

\---

 

"Do you know the reason why I decided to sign the contract at the first place?" He asked when they were on the bed, her head tucked under his chin, one of his hand was on the small of her back, forming soothing circles and the other one was threading its fingers on her hair, tangling, untangling the strands. She shook her head that's now leaning on his chest, making him squirming a little because he's ticklish.

 

"When I came home that day, after I got the info that I got into SM and had a chance to be a trainee there. I saw you, your hair was a little bit uncared, seeing that we had to be strict with our money back then you stopped going to the hair shop. I saw our house, the house was a little empty, because we gradually sold things one by one to keep our household running. I saw your hand, and not seeing the wedding ring I gave you. Those time were hard back then, but you didn't complain, you didn't get mad at me. You supported me all the way" he sighed. "I couldn't stand seeing that, I was mad at myself you know? I wanted you to get mad at me. To compain at me. But you never did. I want the best for you, giving you the best treatment any hairshop can offer, showering you will all the thing you deserve, bringing you to see the world, seeing what the world has in store for us" 

 

He lifted her chin slowly, until they were looking at each other in the eyes. 

 

"Sometimes I wonder what did I do in my past life to deserve anyone like you"

 

His statement made her blush, and she just wished Jongdae kept talking so she had a reason to keep looking at his lips. 

 

"It's you, It's always been you" 

 

\---

 

Everything was going easier after that. They fought, once in a while but it showed that he was trying harder to balance his work and his time for her, and everytime she felt doubtness starts to creep in, the ring on her fourth finger convinces her. 

 

They were young, they were foolish. They thought they can handle it all when it is them against the world. They thought it is okay to be playing with the rules once in a while. They thought nobody can find them in between stolen kisses shared between the dark alleys on the wee hours of the night, hiding under the shadows to end up at their apartment and doing nothing but laying down on the floor and talking about their future, they thought there was no holes for another viewer to watch them helplessly in love other than themselves. 

 

2 years passed without any disturbance and anything that they should be worried about. 

 

But she should have known what kind of world he was into, and he should have known too the consequences. And they should have known there is a saying about a calm before the storm. 

 

The photos were being sent to the company two days before the news broke. He was with her at that time, preparing brunch for a supposedly beautiful Sunday morning on their shared apartment, when his phone rang. He answered it with his usual goofy "hello?" and he was still holding her in one arm before his tone became rigid and he started to walk away to the door. He kept saying "yes, yes, I'll be there in a minute. I'll be there" and then ended the call. 

 

"What happened?" She asked, half worrying as she saw him wearing tying his shoes. 

 

"The company called me. I'll be back before dinner, I have no schedule today. Don't wait for me okay, eat first, and keep busy" he answered, but somehow she felt that it was rushed, coming off half-heartedly. 

 

"Don't open your phone, don't watch the TV, don't go to the internet. Just use the phone when you're trying to call me, or answering my call" he stopped his track in front of the door, taking another breath. "Just...don't" 

 

\---

 

"They found out" he said as soon as the door opens. She threw him a confused look, unable to grasp what he meant. "The media found out. The paparazis took hundreds of our pictures. They sent it to the company" 

 

"The company gave me choices" he said again after he explained further about what happened. He breathed in, trying to compose himself. She had her fingers forming soothing circles on his palm, trying to ease him, which he smiled gently at the gesture, "We broke it off, or I'm out the group. They need answer by tomorrow" 

 

The silence that followed was the most suffocating situation she had ever been. 

 

"How... How can they do that?" she tried so hard not to choke on her own words. Their marriage is entering their fifth year, and the company told them to broke it off so easily? Without even trying to negotiate with the publishing company. She knew their agreement, she knew the consequences, but she didn't expect the company to treat the decision it so easily, like it wasn't her and Jongdae's marriage on the line and like it can be decided over tea in 5 or 10 minutes. She could feel anger rising up inside her but she was too shocked at the sudden information to be able to get anything out. 

 

"Will you be with me until the end?" he asked instead, he had his one hand on her cheek, thumb brushing the tear that escapes, before carressing it.  She closed her eyes, leaning more into his touch. "I'm asking once again" he said, "Will you?"

 

\--- 

 

The news broke two days later, and it causes more questions than answers. But they already on the plane to China -their new home- to be confronted about it.

 

Jongdae held her hand for the whole plane ride, trying not to look nervous, but she can see by the way he kept tapping the plane's carpeted floor with his shoes, the way his fingers felt clammy because of sweat on her hands, the way he couldn't even sleep a blink for the entire plane ride, the way he kelt silent throughout the trip, only saying things when it was necessary.

 

They both just wished they made the right choice. 

 

\--- 

 

China is great, it was also his workplace. He is familiar with the language, the culture, the differences, and with a few Chinese classes she took at college, they choosed China as their home, or morever, hiding place. And because they couldn't think any other place to go outside Korea. Jongdae probably more familiar with the cities but there was no way they can settle in the city with the news just broke out, so they choosed smaller cities so they could be far away from cameras and public until the chaos calm down. 

 

\---

 

It was like deja vu. They were being thrown in the timeline, going back to the time when it was one year after their wedding, the only differences were that Jongdae got a more than enough saving from his years in EXO, and they were in China, familiar yet unfamiliar at the same time. Some people recognized him, but he always brushed them off by acting confused, not understand and to the extent of changing his hairstyle. 

 

Jongdae was once again should go down on the road by himself to search for a job. He would go at dawn, to catch the first bus to the nearest town, only to come home on the last bus, because he practically tried every office possible in the town to search for a job. 

 

"Are you home?" the door opened revealing him, the tie around his neck wa already taken off, he popped one of his shirt collar button on his way to their small dining table before sitting down on one of the chair. 

 

"Any news today?" She asked again as she was pouring homemade iced tea inside the glass, and then sliding it over the table to him. He took it with a sigh before gulping down the liquid in one shot. 

 

He didn't answer, but he had his head hung low. And it was not long after when she saw his shoulder starting to shake slightly. 

 

"Jongdae, Jongdae, Jongdae what happened" she immediately rushed to him to envelop him in her arms. Jongdae's body started to shake more violently as the sobs were heard from him. She could feel wetness on her shoulder, and she could feel herself broke a little with every choked sobs that Jongdae made. 

 

She carressed Jongdae's back, up and down, up and down, in circles, trying to calm him down when he started to mumble "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry"s in between his sobs. 

 

"It's okay Jongdae. You're fine. I am fine. We'll be fine. We'll make it work" she whispered. "I will be with you till the end"

 

Flashback ends.

 

The job searching clearly drained the energy and whatever cheefulness left inside Jongdae, seeing how his smile mever quite reaching his eyes everytime he comes home without good news. And everytime she offers to get another job herself so she can ease some of his burden and helping, he always says no. He always says that he got this, he got this, and they will work it out. 

 

Jongdae tries to hide his fatigue because he never liked to make her worry, after his breakdown a few nights before, he tries to appear cheerful and full of energy in front of her when he is actually just plain tired. But she can see it, feel it. By the way he groans tiredly every now and then in his sleep, by the way he walks sluggishly into the apartment building when she watches him without him knowing, by the way he talks and jokes less and less, by the way he longingly stares at his phone, waiting for a miracle and some company will tell him that he got the job. 

 

"What are you thinking about?" she asks as she sets the saucers down on the table before joining him on the floor. She sneaks a hand around him, and seeing by the way Jongdae flinches told her that she just pulled him from his thoughts. She retracts her hand and reaching for his cup, offerring the cup to him as an apology.

 

He smiles slightly, hands reaching for the cup she offers and wraps his palm around it. Letting the warmth seeping through his skin to the very bones. 

 

"Bribing me with tea? You should have tried harder" he teases, and God knows how much she misses his teasings. 

 

She chuckles as a response, watching him blowing into his tea cup to cool it down before sipping the liquid and hums in delight. They sit side by side, letting the wind blows around them and falls into the comfortable silence she had also missed for a while. 

 

"Have you ever missed Korea, Jongdae?" she asks suddenly, her head turning so she can see him. 

 

She can see Jongdae goes tense at the mention of his home country, eyes widens and he lets his gaze ahed again, wanders through the buldings of apartments. He sighs, and then sips at his tea again. Still not answering. She decides to push a little. 

 

"Have you ever thought that it probably would be easier for us if we stayed?" she asks again, eyes not leaving his face. 

 

Jondae puts the saucers down too hard, the sound of the cup meeting the surface of the table kind of startles her. He sighs, and then leaning back on the door. "It probably would be easier, or it would probably be harder." he finally answers. "And yes. I miss Korea. But it's not like I've never been away for long before" he adds. She waits for him to say more, but he doesn't. 

 

"But is it really okay for you?" She notices the creases on his forehead becoming deeper, showing that he is thinking hard at the moment. The way his gaze becomes more of longing rather than usual. 

 

"I'm okay, alright? These times are hard, just believe in me. It's nothing I can't handle. I'll get a job soon and we will save a lot of money and then a few years again we will be back at Korea, back at our home" his voice comes a little bit of a whisper by the end, but she watches him as he tries to compose himself and back to his facade. His eyes never meet hers. He only does that when he is not sure with himself. 

 

"Jongdae, the clinic near the station says that they need--" 

 

"We already talked about it"

 

And the conversation is over. 

 

\---

Some things are easier said than done. And when she tries to hold on to Jongdae's "I'm fine We'll work it out", she sees that it is starting to take it's toll on their marriage. Their interactions become shallow, she always wakes up to him already gone for job searching every morning, no good mornings shared, have no time to talk at all beside dinner and then Jongdae will pass out on the bed, tired. And sometimes when they talk, it feels like Jongdae isn't there, barely there, never fully there as he was. 

 

They hope, they pray. But the good news never comes. 

 

"You took the job?!" Jongdae asks one night as soon as she opens the door. She steps aside to let him stomping in, clearly angry. She lets out a long, drawn out sigh instead of answering, and then closes the door. 

 

"Well, good night to you too" she says after a while. 

 

"Why don't you answer me?" He asks again, pulling on her arm, forcing her to look at him. 

 

"Yes, Jongdae. I am taking the job" she sighs again, and yanks her arm out of Jongdae's grip. "You get your answer, and now let's eat dinner" 

 

"I told you not to!" Jongdae grabs her arm again and yanks her back so she is standing in front of him again. 

 

"Jongdae it is just a small job, I'll only work as a nurse from 9 to 3 and it's not even a hard job. I want to help you. I want to ease the burden" 

 

"I brought you here, you're my responbility. You don't have to work, I should. Because it is all my fault and--" 

 

"But it is not your fault, Jongdae. It's nobody's fault. We agreed into this together, we agreed to their testament, the paparazis found out, the company made us choose and we choosed and we flew here to China to start anew. I never blamed you..." 

 

"I blamed myself!!! Okay?! Do you think it is easy for me to see how your face falls everytime I come home without a good news? Do you think I don't notice your continous sighs everytime you check our bankbooks? Do you think it is easy to hear you sleeptalking about missing Korea, missing your mom, missing your dad, missing your family? I am the one who makes you like this--" 

 

"But I am telling you Jongdae it is not your fault! I chose this! Do you think you are the only one who has the hard time here? I am too!" she doesn't realize the angry tone starting to seep into her voice. "Do you think it is easy seeing you like this? Do you think it is easy to see you handling all of the burden by yourself?" 

 

"I know you aren't okay Jongdae. And I want to help. We're in this together. Not just you. Not just me. It's us" she adds while looking into Jongdae's eyes, who is now clearly trying to avoid hers but she puts her palms on either side of his head, to keep his head from moving. 

 

"I. Am. Okay" Jongdae says, punctuating each words to make it convincing. But no, she's not going to fall into it once more. She can hear his lie loud and clear. 

 

"Baby, please?" he begs. "It's not something you should be worried about" 

 

She tsks, taking a step aback, turning around so Jongdae can't see the tears brimming in her eyes. She sucks in a deep breath, "Maybe it would be easier if we weren't running away...." she whispers unconciously, not realizing the word comes out from her mouth before she can even think about it what she's saying. 

 

It may be a whisper but Jongdae hears it, and it starting to show effects on Jongdae, seeing how he tensed up in his place and how the gaze changes to be filled ice so cold yet burning with anger and that's a gaze she never wants to see in her life ever, again. "So now you're regretting it? You told me to be with you till the end, and now you are giving up?" Jongdae lets out a shaky breath. 

 

"Is this how much our marriage means to you right now?" 

 

There's hurt in his voice but she is hurted too. Her only intention is to help, she can't just sit still seeing him doing all the hard work alone, she never meant to ignore his words, but she knows he will never say yes no matter how many times she asks him so she thinks she should have just accepted without him knowing. But she doesn't like lying to Jongdae, not with the current condition already taken its toll on their marriage. And that was why she texted him the moment she was done with the registration. She thought maybe Jongdae would be more accepting now that what's done is done, maybe a few whinning here and there she actually didn't expect him coming home filled with rage, and escalated into saying things they both know they don't mean to say. 

 

Jongdae turns around and walks to in front of the door and stands there. One hand already on the door knob. The silence hung in the air, the same silence she have felt in the past few months, not the comfortable silence she has come to associate with, where they can bask at each other's presence alone and it's enough. It's the kind of silence that's thick and suffocating, and she can't hold her tears anymore. 

 

She waits for him to say more, to say something. But the only sound registered to her ears is the sound of the door closing. And when she turns around, he's not there anymore. 

 

She never feels more alone. 

 

\--- 

 

The clock strikes twelve but there was no sign of him coming home. She sits still on the sofa in the living room, knees pulled up close to her chest, arms circling it, trying to stop herself from shaking. Upper lip biting the lower one, trying to stop herself from crying continously. Her phone is on the table, but she can't bring herself to grab and dials Jongdae's number. 

 

She is between the lines of waking up and sleeping, completely drained and tired, when the front door opens and there's a shuffling of shoes before careful socked-feet steps resonates from the hall. She doesn't move, completely unaware of her surroundings. The steps coming closer to her, and stop where the living room is. 

 

It doesn't come for her to realize until she can feel a pair of arms sneaking its way under her neck and knees to pulled her up. She automatically cicrcling her arms around the person's neck, which elicits a soft chuckle she has known by heart from years spent wih Jongdae. Realizing it's Jongdae, she relaxes and let him carry her bridal style to the bedroom. 

 

He lays her down on the bed, before slipping beside her and throwing the bed cover over them. He snuggles closer first, wrapping his arms around her and tucking her head under his chin. Peppering her hair with kissess and muffled words as he speaks, "I'm sorry"

 

She turns slightly so now that she's facing them. Fingers tracing his eyes, his nose, his lips, his jaw with so much longing as if they have been separated for years but in reality just a few hours. She threads her fingers through his goldly brown locks and remembers how much she likes the feel of the locks untangle in her palm. 

 

"I'm sorry too, I shouldn't--" 

 

But her words are stopped by Jongdae's lips softly capturing hers. Jongdae doesn't want her explanation, he understands she didn't mean it, he understands she never wanted to give up. Jongdae doesn't want to hear her sorry, he already forgave her since the second her gaze fell the moment the words came out from her mouth. He doesn't want anything from her beside of her. "Don't ever give up on me" his words dancing along the curves of her lips, "I won't let you down... " he adds again as he gazing deep into her eyes, desperately wanting her to believe him. 

 

"Never" A kiss on her forehead. 

 

"Never" A kiss on her nose. 

 

"Never" His promise is sealed by he moment his lips touch her. He captures her with a kiss more eager than the last, filled with passion that she yearns. And she returns the kiss with the same eagerness, his fingers leaving a tingling sensation on her body, lips moving with so much tenderness and love and it makes her feel like when they met for the first time. 

 

She falls in love with Jongdae all over again. 

 

They break the kiss for a while, both gasping for air. She lets out a laugh as she puts their forehead together, gently cups his face wih both of her hands so she can hold his gaze. 

 

"I won't give up on you" 

 

\---

 

The constant ringing of the telephone awakes her up from her sleep. She tries to reach for her phone but it turns out it's not from her phone, she really needs to tell Jongdae to change his ringtone later. They get confused repeatedly. 

 

"Jongdae.." She shakes him a little, trying to peel his arms from around her with every energy she has. Jongdae shifts in his sleep, and then pulling the blankets over his head again. "JONGDAE!" she shouts beside his ears, making him suddenly roll over to get away that results him at.... 

 

"Aw!" he groans when he feels his butt touches the cold tiled floor. He sits up and glares at her from where he falls. She puts a toungue out at him, "Save your whinning for a while honey bun, go get your phone" she cackles as she makes her way out to the door. "And don't forget to change your ringtone later" she adds and then sprinting out of the room before Jongdae catches her. 

 

"NO I DON'T WANT TO" Jongdae replies childishly. And just then he grabs his phone to answer the call. 

 

"Hello? Kim Jongdae's speaking" 

 

\---

 

They said good things come to those who wait. And when Jongdae walks into the kitchen with all smiles and practically beaming rays of sunshine, "I got the job" that's all he says. 

 

Three, two, one...

 

And the whole thing sinks in. "You got it?!" She shrieks and then launches herself to Jongdae, hugging him as thight as she can be. Jondae cackles, "Yes. It's not big, some kind of public relation thingy but you know I'm a chatter and--" 

 

"You will talk a lot? It will give them reasons to stare at your lips" she detaches herself from Jongdae, frowning. Jongdae laughs at her stupid -yet cute- response, his cheekbones get higher and his eyes forming two crescent shapes and his laugh is such a music to her ear. She wish she can get the image printed behind her eyelids. 

 

"But the only thing they can do is stare" Jongdae pulls her again by her arm, making her fall on his chest, "while you..." he inches his face closer to her until she can feel his breath on the slope of her nose, warm. "You can kiss it everytime you want" 

 

And there they are, surrounded by breakfast ingredients, bathed by the morning sunshine from the window, standing in the middle of their simple kitchen on their average apartment, kissing like they don't need anything besides each other to face whatever life throws at them.

 

She has spent the last few years of her life tasting the up and down of life with him. Being with him when he was on top, when he was down, and she is more than grateful to have been beside him throughout it. Supporting him from behind, pushing him little by little. They are not perfect, they are not like the couples from the movies, or maybe not even the same as the lovely couple living beside their apartment, and they will never be perfect. They fight, they argue, they love, they learn, they achieve. In the end of the day, she knows she couldn't have done it with any person other than Jongdae. 

 

Maybe that is what people meant by finding the one. Finding someone you love you are willing to go every ups and downs in life with them. And being loved in return. 

 

She wouldn't trade it for the world. 

 --- 

EPILOGUE 

She wakes up in the middle of the night and finds the space beside her still empty. Cold because of there is no body heat transferred by the person who usually sleeps at that side of the bed. There is no light from behind the door that will seep through the space below the door and that's the only sign that he is not home yet. 

 

The phone beeps, signaling a text message. It reads 'I'm going to be late. Don't wait for me. She smiles.

 

The clock on the bed side table shows that it already passes midnight. She spends her time counting the lines on the ceiling when she hears the front door creaks open and being closed slowly. There are careful steps of socked-feet to the kitchen, his considerate action to not waking her up, It is followed by the clinking of the glass and the sound of water running. She sits up in the bed, leaning on the head of the bed in anticipation.

 

The steps come closer to the bedroom door. The door being knocked twice as if asking permission to come in. 

 

The door opens slightly, revealing him with his tie untied around his neck, his face totally tired but his smiles sincere. His eyes lights up when he realizes that she is waiting for him. He walks slowly to the bed, arms wide open, humming their favorite song as he slides under the cover. 

 

He scoots closer, and then circling his arms around her waist, clinging. If China was the sea, he would be a ship, sailing around the ocean, just to find a land he called home.  And when the waves starting to get harsher, it's spinning him on place until he can't get anywhere, she will be her anchor, pining him down to the ground, making him steady, make sure he doesn't waver. 

 

"I love you" he says before the sleep consumes him. 

 

"I love you too" 


End file.
